Today, I am in Perth, Australia.
Perth, City of the $24 Entree.
I grew up in a place that had all 4 seasons.
This may sound foreign or even imagined to some of you, but we had Autumn with beautiful colors spreading across the forests and towns. We had a Winter Chill that, while occasionally accompanied by a powerful and deadly blizzard, was made bearable by fireplaces, cocoa, sledding, and songs. Our Spring was definitely Spring; flowers, rain and a renewed sense of excitement at the World to complement the renewed beauty of the natural wonders of our tiny, yet colorful town. AND we had a nice, hot summer that lasted EXACTLY AS LONG AS SUMMER SHOULD LAST.
It was Lovely.
This is Bullshit.
a picturesque sunday morning jog in Australia, circa 2014
It. Is. So. Hot. Walking out of the airport feels like actually descending into Hell from Alaska. I fully expected to find the Devil waiting for me in a Ranger Hat and Crocodile Tooth Necklace, ready to hang me by my nips and shove boomerangs up my ass for all eternity. Hell, Id’ve consented if He gave me a bottle of water first. I don’t know how the locals do it..
Turns out, they Don’t.
There is of course the slight possibility that I’m being a big baby and blowing things out of proportio–nope. NOOOPE.
Do people live in that Purple space? HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE IN THAT PURPLE SPACE?
Now, a quick bit of research will tell you that Australia’s heat-waves have been gradually getting worse, and that some scientists think deaths are even going to quadruple in the coming future. Now I think it’s all pretty obvious what’s-a-going-on here…and hold onto your wagging fingers, climate-change-deniers, I’m about to hop to your side of the crazy train for a moment:
Australia is on top of a Hellmouth.
Now for those not in the know, scholars (read: Buffy the Vampire Slayer) have defined a Hellmouth as “an area in which the barriers between dimensions are particularly weak, allowing the creation of portals between Earth and several Hell dimensions.”
This makes perfect sense.
The implications of a Hellmouth are that demons and other Hellish creatures can permeate the boundaries usually put in place to prevent them from affecting things or interacting with people on Earth. This is actually a popular fan theory in regards to what the fuck was actually going on with the island on LOST.
Kills me every time.
Thinking for a second about the possibility that demons have been sneaking through and gallivanting around Australia for years now just explains SO much: the Heat, The terrifying flora, and all the horrible little creatures that want to kill or destroy you in every way possible
SO. Australia’s barrier against the forces of Hell has been torn down (aren’t they below the hole in the ozone? OH MY GOD HELL IS ALIENS). The country of reformed, lovable convicts is overrun by demons terrorizing the land and owning the Fox Network. Who do we turn to? Who will help this imperiled nation in their direst hour??? My friends, I present my suggestion:
The League of Extraordinary Aussie Gentlemen
For you non-comic-book-inclined folks (or those who only saw the dreadfully awful film), The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was an amazing comic book written by insane hobo Alan Moore, in which several legendary figures from Britain’s supernatural past, including Mr. Hyde, Captain Nemo, and Dracula victim Wilhemina Harker banded together to save the realm from various threats. It is a series so chock full of literary references and easter eggs that there is a full, college sized annotations page to make sure you don’t miss any. It is an amazing series, go buy it. Now let me steal it for my shitty blog:
Who’s in the League?
A strong League must have a strong roster. Most hero teams are comprised of 5 types members: Tacticians, Blasters, Bruisers, Infiltrators, and Scrappers (or the Wild Card). Each serves a separate purpose and is equally integral to the team. A true League needs one of each, and I know just the Aussies for the job. I’m going to build this team as if it were going to be a comic book or movie, so buckle in and hold tight to your suspension of disbelief. Here we go…
The Tactician: Julia Gillard
Mina Harker meets Buffy meets get the Fuck out of my office, mate.
The Tactician is the leader of the group, the big brain…and truly, right up there with the badassery of a Captain America or a Cyclops you’re gonna find this Cunning and Daring ex-Prime Minister. Villains beware.
Suffering from Pneumonia as a child in Wales, the doc straight up said “Move to Australia or Die, girl” (I may be paraphrasing), and the new climate was quite a fit for this natural badass. Gillard actually runs a lot of parallels to the actual League’s Tactician, Mina Harker. Both are strong female role models who don’t back down to some dick trying to assert their misogyny. Neither shies away from admitting their awesomeness. Both wear bitchin‘ hats.
Sure, like any politician, she’s not perfect, but who wants a superhero with no flaws?
Ok I take it back that’s awesome
Now let’s just add in a conspiracy theory backstory where Abbot and Rudd got her ousted through nefarious means and you’ve got all the makings of a sweet revenge story, and a secret organization tasked to return Australia to it’s former glory, out of demonic hands. I already want to read this.
The Blaster: Steve Irwin
This was listed on his site under “Glamour Shots”
After faking his death in 2006 to go under cover for the good of his nation, Irwin helps to assemble the league and is the first to fully realize it’s important, with his natural optimism and ability to remain positive. A Blaster’s role on the team is Range Support (Nemo fills this role in Moore’s comics with his submarine and many guns). The Croc Hunter can use his superpower of animal communication to sic all the various nasties of Australia onto the baddies, and serves as our comedic relief.
The Bruiser: Ned Kelly
With the power to grow just the rockin’est beard
This fuckin’ guy. Man. Alright, a bruiser is the team’s muscle, the tank, the fuck-you-you-shall-not-pass-usually-played-by-a-pro-wrestler member.
Now for my American readers who may not know the story, Ned Kelly was a lot like some of our early American gangsters/wild west gang runners, just with a dash of pure fucking crazy pants thrown in.
The son of an Irish convict, Kelly got into trouble with the law at 14 for stealing pigs and beating up some old guy, and running the hell away. Overtime he and his gang became highly wanted outlaws, with some viewing them as murderous madmen and others viewing them as a Robin Hood and his Merry Men due to his Irish-Immigrant status and standing up to the establishment. I suppose these people decided to ignore the whole “giving back to the poor” aspect of Robin Hood’s story, but whatever.
The Crazy part of Kelly’s legacy is the armor. He began first by wearing an Iron mask, then graduated up to a full DIY suit of armor that his whole gang wore, which basically looked like they were wearing trash cans…but it worked. The armor was bullet-proof, and they had an almost full day shootout with the police and several hostages that took a freaking cannon and a company of militia to stop. Kelly was shot 6 times (including 2 in the groin) and more times in the armor (no bullet ever penetrated it), brought in, and eventually hanged.
The Kelly Armor, or “Homeless Iron Man”
Here’s where it gets nuts. Kelly was buried somewhere in the jail. In 1934 they didn’t keep any records on where the remains of executed prisoners went. In later years, the skeleton was found and given to the National Trust, but the skull was stolen. Here’s where the League comes in.
Kelly’s skull is attached to a robot body, with the iron mask still around it. His brain patterns resurrected and used as our team’s tank. Like Mr. Hyde in the original League, our bruiser is not a good person, but he gets the job done. Also like Hyde, maybe all he needs is a team and someone believing in him to come around. Mainly though this is about a badass zombie trash can cyborg fighting demons, and I think we can all get behind this.
The Infiltrator: Hugh Jackman
Alright, alright bear with me here. Hugh Jackman is, obviously, a huge movie star, a lauded Broadway performer, and an all around nice, family man. Though he may play one of the most famous superheroes of all time, not an ideal choice for a real life team.
…or IS HE?
An infiltrator has to be able to get the jobs done the the rest of the team cannot…and something this team has in common is there are a lot of places most of them cannot go. Gillard is way too high profile, Irwin and Kelly are both supposed to be dead…Who doesn’t want Hugh Jackman around? Where can the most charming Aussie alive NOT go? He is perfect for this role in the group, and with all his X-movie training, he’s gonna be able to hold his own in a scuffle. Mainly though this is about Wolverine teaming up with a badass zombie trash can cyborg fighting demons, and I think we can all get behind this.
The Scrapper: Crocodile Dundee
an international treasure
Let me be clear. We’re talking about the character here, not the actor. For the purposes of this exercise, let’s assume he’s a real person, and that Paul Hogan played him in the movie adaptation. The real Dundee wouldn’t sign off on the film, so as far as the world knows, he doesn’t exist. The two best implications here are:
A) He’s still living somewhere in the outback like a beast, not having moved to NYC or Vegas like the sequels.
B) If he didn’t sign off on the movie we can assume the movie took heavy liberties to make their chick flick work….the real Dundee therefore must be even more of a badass.
Now THIS…this isn’t a knife either. Hold on a second let me get my stuff
A scrapper needs to get in close and handle the situation. Dundee has tons of survivalist know how and is super handy with a knife, a boomerang, and a lady in need of some panty-dropping. Plus I imagine he voted against Gillard, so those interactions are going to be golden.
Alright, somebody get this to every comic company and every movie studio and get back to me. I’ll just be here having heat stroke in this chair. aaaaaand BREAK.